Sleep

It's about twelve o'clock. I go to bed, get onto my left side. I always start out on my left side. My left hip hurts, because of arthritis, but if I straighten it out I can negate the jumping leg issue with the left. The hamstring's tight, like it's going to be a pain, but it's okay. My neck hurts, and I can't remember how to close one eye properly, so I try to get my eyes equally closed. I've got the pillow pushing on one eye now. It's kind of annoying. The covers are over me, I'm got two pillows to prop up my floppy right arm. My feet are out.

I move one centimetre and suddenly everything's in the wrong place. My alignment is out. I try to go to sleep anyway. For an hour. Tiny, incremental shifts so as not to wake my wife. She steals the covers. I'm okay. I was hot anyway. One minute later I'm cold. I fight for a corner of the duvet, get it over my shoulder, but now I'm all out of whack anyway. I sigh, quietly, move my right arm which hurts from the pressure of just laying down. Ten minutes, twenty minutes.

I need a wee. It's maybe one o'clock in the morning. I get up, have a wee, and turn onto my right this time. My neck hurts from the arthritis, but my left hip is happier if I'm on the my right. I've got a bit of duvet over me, both feet out so I'm fifty percent the right temperature around my belly. My eyes shut properly because my head doesn't turn to the right, so my face is upward, toward the ceiling. I open my eyes. I'm worried that there are two testicles and one penis. This seems asymetrical and troubles me for a while, until I think there's one nose but two nostrils, so the oddity is replicated elsewhere. Plus, two penises would be odd, as would two noses. It's okay. I close my eyes.

One thirty in the morning. I'm drifting, happy enough I've resolved the penis issue. The dog whines to go for a wee. My wife's sound asleep. I get up, let the dog out. She hangs around after for a biscuit. One dog, he'd follow me into the grave. But wee dog, if I died, she'd kick my corpse and ask, 'where's my biscuit?' I give her a biscuit, she runs back to bed. I'm awake. I have a cigarette, stare at a wall. It's two in the morning.

I get back into bed. I have no duvet. My aches and pains  are settled, forgotten. I'm yawning. I start worrying about the time/morning/sleep ratio because I have to get up early.

Sleep.

Get up.

Tired all day.

How do people just get into bed and go 'mmmm' and fall asleep? Sleep sucks, the end.

Love you.

Red Ice Run Cover Reveal

This, out very soon...

 

RED ICE RUN! Coming very soon from Grand Mal Press! Check out the sweet cover art from Zach McCain. 

It’s snowing like crazy in Chicago on a bad day for mob brothers Mallory and Kelly. They’re the kind of guys people move aside for, if they know what’s what. Makes no difference to the brothers what the weather does, though. It’s just another day, just one more body on the floor. At least it was, ’til everyone started gunning for them.

Who’d want to kill them? They’re nice guys.

That ain’t the worst of it, either. It’s not just the mob out for their blood. A giant Viking is trying to take their heads off, which is odd. Throw in a bag full of glowing wood, an Irish sword-wielding hitman, and a junkie femme fatale, and it’s not just a bad day, it’s the worst. When night falls, though, it’s not only blood staining the snowy city streets. The ice itself is turning red and whatever comes after worst…?
This is definitely that.

“A humorous mash-up of neo-noir crime pulp and Viking-horror.” — BmoviesandEbooks.com

“Brutal, bloody and utterly absorbing! Combines a gritty noir sensibility with a fantasy/horror plot that could not be more original!” — New York Times bestselling author, Allan Leverone

It'll be out in paperback and eBook formats. The hardback run, from Thunderstorm Books, sold out.

We hope you like it.

Love you.

x

R.I.P. Black Planet

Finished 'Black Planet' today, a scifi horror. Badass crew on an alien planet, bad guys, a bit of mystery, shit blowing up, nasty aliens, death and destruction. ;)

That's it.

R.I.P. Black Planet.
29th August 2019
'You were great fun.'

New Covers for the Rythe Quadrilogy

That's it. Short post tonight as I'm in a huff. :P

Love you. x

On Being

I do try to write about my mental health from time to time, not because it's cathartic for me (I'm over that phase) but in the hope that it might help others understand that they're not alone, and perhaps get a handle on their own struggles.

The struggle doesn't end, which is tiring. I get why people self-harm, contemplate ending their battle, give up, isolate themselves, self-medicate. How can I not empathise? I've been down all those roads, and they didn't lead to any destinations more interesting than this one.

I avoid life, and that seems to work best for me. Stress makes me worse, and writing makes me better. I take medication and generally behave myself, but at times I can't function at all. I'm erratic, I guess. Sometimes I sleep, sometimes I don't. I have long fallow periods from work where I can't face sitting at the PC and making sensible words come out. Basically, I shut down. My hearing's worse, my vision, my joints ache and I'm tired all the time. It affects more than just my mental health, but my whole wellbeing. When I feel better I return to work. It's why I don't do anything regular like a Patreon account. I write around four novels a year, but I might do two in two months and then nothing for three months. I'm not a good bet in a short term, but I try to take a long view, not look at the short term. Not at feeling better in the next hour, or the next week, but that it will pass and things will be a little easier in a while, whenever that may be.

I guess what I'm saying is that I understand it sucks when you're feeling shit, of course it does. But there are ups and downs for everyone. Those with mental abberations feel the ups and downs more keenly and that's a bastard to cope with. I don't do it all the time. I'm not a guru. I'm just here to let you know it will (probably) pass. There's no magic cure, but you can feel better. You might need help - I take pills to help me cope. You might need to. You might need to go slow when you can't speed up, or slow down when you're too speedy, or talk, or hibernate, or sleep, or take some time for yourself, or go into a mental hospital until you're partway thinking straight. There are so many paths through it, and not all of them are sunny, but reach out if you can. You can feel better. It's possible.

Love you.