Thursday, 30 November 2017

People Say the Silliest Things

1. Trickle-up, trickle-down.

Trickle's a good thing, is it? I'll just trickle your beer into this glass. Your beer will be ready by the time you leave the pub, and you'll be happy as Larry when you get home because I'll drink it all for you, too.

2. Time travel doesn't exist.

'Course it does, and of course we can. Sit still, don't move for five minutes. Five minutes later you'll have moved...five minutes into the future! Gasp.

3. Love makes the world go round.

No, because love means never having to force the world to do something it doesn't want to.

4. What would Jesus do?

What wouldn't he do? Eh? Eh?

5. Poor people are lazy.

Nope. Damn sight harder getting off your arse when you're skint and doped on Gregg's sausages rolls than being driven around in a Bentley.

6. This shampoo has 97% more pearlescence.

No it fucking hasn't. It's just shampoo.

7. You need an umbrella...

Literally the only time you will ever 'need' an umbrella is if you're a Kingsman.

8. There are two kinds of [insert caption].

9. I am the LAW.

This does NOT work on your children.

10. Fish can't feel.

Not true. The sea is made of their salty tears because of all your mean jibes.

11. Duvet day.

It's a quilt, for fuck's sake.

12. We had it harder in our day.

Of course you did. So did I. Fifteen times a day and rubbed raw, but seriously, granddad, inappropriate.

13. Hi Google Home, Alexa, Cortana...I want to know where I can get a ball gag and fifty pounds of Semtex, but keep it between us, right?

I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that.

Love you. x

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