1. Trickle-up, trickle-down.
Trickle's a good thing, is it? I'll just trickle your beer into this glass. Your beer will be ready by the time you leave the pub, and you'll be happy as Larry when you get home because I'll drink it all for you, too.
2. Time travel doesn't exist.
'Course it does, and of course we can. Sit still, don't move for five minutes. Five minutes later you'll have moved...five minutes into the future! Gasp.
3. Love makes the world go round.
No, because love means never having to force the world to do something it doesn't want to.
4. What would Jesus do?
What wouldn't he do? Eh? Eh?
5. Poor people are lazy.
Nope. Damn sight harder getting off your arse when you're skint and doped on Gregg's sausages rolls than being driven around in a Bentley.
6. This shampoo has 97% more pearlescence.
No it fucking hasn't. It's just shampoo.
7. You need an umbrella...
Literally the only time you will ever 'need' an umbrella is if you're a Kingsman.
8. There are two kinds of [insert caption].
9. I am the LAW.
This does NOT work on your children.
10. Fish can't feel.
Not true. The sea is made of their salty tears because of all your mean jibes.
11. Duvet day.
It's a quilt, for fuck's sake.
12. We had it harder in our day.
Of course you did. So did I. Fifteen times a day and rubbed raw, but seriously, granddad, inappropriate.
13. Hi Google Home, Alexa, Cortana...I want to know where I can get a ball gag and fifty pounds of Semtex, but keep it between us, right?
I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that.
Love you. x
Novel and Novella Excerpts
- Ghost Voices
- Red Ice Run (with Ryan C. Thomas)
- Field of Heroes
- ALT REICH
- Pig (With Edward Lorn)
- The Mulrones #1: A Scarecrow to Watch over Her
- The Mulrones #2: Death by a Mother's Hand
- The Mulrones #3: Flesh and Coin
- The Mulrones #4: Deadlift
- The Love of the Dead
- The Dead Boy
- A Home by the Sea
- A Stranger's Grave
- The Walls of Madness
- The Lies of Angels
- Unit 731
- Cold Fire
- Masters of Blood and Bone
- Left to Darkness
- BLOOD DRUGS TEA
- Spiggot, Too
- Days of Christmas
- The Cold Inside
- Dark Words
- Dead in the Trunk
- Angels in Black and White
- Line of Kings #1: The Outlaw King
- Line of Kings #2: The Thief King
- Line of Kings #3: The Queen of Thieves
- The Line of Kings Boxed Set Edition
- Rythe Awakes
- The Tides of Rythe
- Rythe Falls
- Beneath Rythe
- The Rythe Quadrilogy Boxed Set Edition
- The Complete Sun Destroyers Saga (Septology)
- FREE READ! Zombies' Guide to Taking Drugs Successfully
- FREE READ! Zombies' Guide to Keeping your Broken Body Ticking
- FREE READ! Zombies' Guide to Fixing and Making Stuff
- FREE READ! Zombies' Guide to Cooking like Normal People
- FREE READ! Zombies' Guide to Coping with Small Humans
- The Warrior Soul