Thursday, 21 December 2017

What does it mean to be a man?

Odd question, isn't it? Is it strength?

I dunno. That's the answer. That's the answer I came up with. Thinking about it, just now.

No. I don't think it is. I think the question, the important thing is, what is it to be a human?

I've always had this thing. My dad was a man's man. That's a thing, right? He was strong, right 'til the end.

Recently I found out I have arthritis. I'm fucked. I can't lift weights anymore. My wrists hurt, dudes. I can barely open a fucking jar of pickles. I'm aching or in pain every day now. Is that what it means to be a man?

My nan, she was like 80 or something when she died. She died in hospital. I was there. I'm going somewhere with this. Bear with me.

She was fucked with arthritis. She had no finger joints. They were all plastic. And she never, ever, not once complained about the pain.

I'm in pain all the time. Chronic pain's weird. You kind of just sink into it. If people were suddenly hit by that pain? After not knowing it? They'd be fucked.

She never complained.

She wasn't a man. It hurts me, more than the joint pain, to realise I'm never going to lift weights. I'm never going to grow old able to lift washing machines and sheds and shit. I used to be able to do that. Now I hurt all the time. I'm bitching about it, believe me. I'm a fucking wuss. It hurts, man.

But my nan? She must have hurt like you wouldn't believe. She wasn't six feet two inches like me. I'm used to being able to lift up whatever I fucking want. Now? It's like my balls are cut off.

What is it to be a man?

Not being able to shift stuff, that's for sure.

My nan. That's what it is.

It's not a weird word, like 'man'. It's heart. It's soul. Doesn't matter what gender you are, or aren't. Doesn't matter what you consider yourself to be. Hard for me, old school fella that I am, to admit that, to come to terms with that. 'Be a man'. 'Man up'. Honestly, doesn't mean shit. What really means something? Trying. Living. Having a fucking soul. Taking the pain in a hard world that doesn't give a fuck about you. Getting knocked down and saying fuck you, I'm gonna make some soup and shit.

It's not about being tough. It's about being human.

Anyway, thought for the day.

Love you. xxx